A Son’s Remorse

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I wrote the piece, ‘A Son’s Remorse,’ when I was in a mental space where I felt nothing I did was approved by my father. I felt I was receiving a lot of judgment from him because of certain things I was doing that he didn’t necessarily agree with. And even though I may have been making ‘poor decisions’, I believed in my heart that I was still a good person, just not a perfect person. And in not being perfect, I prayed God could see through my imperfections and understand that my intentions in this world were always good intentions.

As opposed to writing the words from my piece in this blog post, I’ve decided to simply share the YouTube video I put together of me reading this piece. I did this because this is a piece where the emotions seem much more raw and tangible when hearing me speak them.

Check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBQTw9x-lT8&t=2s

Please share any thoughts on this piece, or your stories of similar emotions in the comments section below.

Take Care!

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My Resolution Is Life

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It’s so typical for us to start the New Year off with a huge list of goals that we want to accomplish. Some attainable, and some absolutely far-fetched (though we’ll never admit to the latter). Resolutions, as we call them. And I too have been one to countdown the seconds until I could eagerly reveal my resolutions to any and everybody who bothered to hear about them. I loved to say, “this is MY year.” As if suddenly all the change I wanted to see in my life would begin to manifest because the date read January 1.

But as I’ve continued along my journey of life, suddenly resolutions aren’t all they’re cracked up to be anymore. They almost seem like excuses for any disappoints from the year prior. Like I could somehow omit any past blunders and suddenly become this new man because of the calendar. But that’s bullshit. (Don’t pardon my language)

I’m the same person today, on January 1, 2018, that I was last year, on December 31, 2017. And instead of running away from any pitfalls or mistakes I made last year and masking them with “resolutions,” it’s time that I embrace my missteps, missed opportunities and disappointments and allow them to mold me into the human being that I am and will become. (we’re always evolving)

I’m coming to the realization that life isn’t about resolutions, it’s about genuine growth. There’s a certain ebb and flow that takes us all through valleys and peaks of emotions filled with happiness, sadness, anger, disappointment and a plethora of other frames of mind that all come and go as we continue on through life.

We have all had our fair share of successes and failures, triumphs and defeats. And all of these aspects of life provide a healthy balance for our human experience. I was once someone who would take failures and defeat really hard. I just took things too personally. And as a result, I’d let emotions like sadness, anger or disappointment fester in my spirit.

My inability to understand that these emotions were okay to experience led me to find solace in smoking weed and drinking alcohol. Not that there’s anything wrong with doing either of those things, but I see now that a big part of why I would do these things was to placate my feelings. To numb my emotions in a sense. And I believe there is truly something wrong with that.

I was selfish for not allowing myself to experience life in its full greatness. That greatness being inclusive of the many ups and downs that we all face. So as I sit here on January 1, 2018, I will not be compiling a list of resolutions, instead I will embrace all that 2017 provided. And in doing so, I look forward to a new year full of more ups and downs, curve balls and everything in between.

There will be times of happiness, moments of sadness, bouts of anger, jubilation filled successes and heart wrenching disappointments. But in allowing all of these emotions to flow through me as opposed to fighting or masking them, I know I have done my part in not cheating myself out of this beautiful journey called life.

I hope everyone has a Happy New Year!

— A Sane Man

Please share this post if you found something that you can relate to in this piece. I’d also love to hear your thoughts and feelings on the New Year and what it means to you. Please share your thoughts in the comments section below and let’s open up a dialogue!

She Devil In A Fly Dress

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Ever been in a situation where you and another individual exhibit a certain undeniable chemistry? The kind of chemistry that you envision leading you all to a meaningful relationship that goes beyond just a friendship? That individual sends smiley faces in every other text message. Nights out on the town full of laughter and getting to know each other. All signs point to the friendship taking that next step when… BOOM. You’re friend-zoned. The excerpt below is a from a piece I wrote titled, ‘She Devil In A Fly Dress’. This poem takes you on a journey through a man’s emotions who is going through a situation very similar to the one I just described. Click on the link after the poem excerpt below to hear the entire audio version of this piece:

 

Getting to know you was a blessing.

Unfortunately for me our friendly outings steered me in the wrong direction.

Your smiley face texts were sending the wrong impressions.

In my eyes we were building beyond your heart’s guarded protection.

But I guess you couldn’t accept it.

Beyond a friendship you couldn’t address it.

Though your actions and interactions prove synonymous with my suggestions…

Give us a chance.

Allow our chemistry to develop a romance.  

But your past goes deep.

And your hearts been chiseled rock harder than concrete.

Cupid stabbed me… in the back and your dismissal has me searching heaven and earth for a retract.  

Sadly… I fell in love with a she devil in a fly dress…

 

Here is a link to the full audio/visual presentation of this piece: https://youtu.be/rEY097Vi7JI

Let me know what you think about the video, and feel free to share!

Anyone else ever been in a similar situation? If so, please feel free to share your story in the comments section below!

Crossing Burning Bridges

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I wrote this poem to capture the emotions of a troubled man who finds himself in an on again, off again situation with a woman he loves. The problem lies in the fact that the tumultuous nature of this relationship is unhealthy and he knows it. But he still finds himself coming back to her. But why? Is it about true love or finding a since of comfort? Can you love someone and that person still not be the RIGHT one for you? Here is an excerpt from my poem titled, ‘Crossing Burning Bridges’. Click on the link following the excerpt to watch the video I’ve put together of me doing the audio version of the full poem:

 

Bitter sweet describes the us we once were in relation to who we are now.

Lovers turned enemy, turned lovers and back again.

Why? Back again… we find ourselves lost in a whirlwind of love, passion and contradiction. 

We’re conflicted…

every time we make the mistake of making another mistake.

It’s the temptation we can’t resist. Or something deeper?

That’s impossible even…

For if it was, there would be no you and me…

rather it’d be we…and us…

Instead we’re separated by distrust.

Our flawed perceptions familiarized.

Patience no longer a must.

Disgracefully…our love has failed to penetrate shallow lies…

Breakdowns in communication cause the relationship to desensitize…

Yet we both seek something definite…

with one another remains to be seen.

I’ve grown tired of the same ole scene.

Still we continue…persistent on crossing bridges we’ve burned in the heat of our hatred but in honor of our love…

Or lust. Or jealous presumptions…

But maybe that’s where in lies the conundrum?

Crossing the same bridges in fear of building others.

I think we need to let it go…

Here is a link to the video that I put together of me doing the audio of the full poem to a musical/visual backdrop: https://youtu.be/2YnA-95r4lE

Let me know what you think about the video, and feel free to share!

Anyone else ever been in a similar situation? If so, please feel free to share your story in the comments section below!

Nothing Comes To A Sleeper But A Dream

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Life is known for throwing unexpected curve balls our way. We sometimes tend to let those curve balls (disappointment, loss of life, sickness, failure, etc)  dictate the way we live, feel, think and carry ourselves through life. I, for one, can admit that I’ve been guilty of this. I like to call it the victim mindset. The “why did this happen to me” mindset. But one thing we have to remember as humans is that we are capable of great things when we put our mind to it. Regardless of the obstacles we face, we can accomplish great things in this world as long as we have the vision to do so. I wrote the following piece to remind myself and others of the power of the human mind and potential, and how we have the ability to push ourselves to greatness, even when times get hard:

Ocean like calmness exudes when you release inner conflict.

And replace complacent based logic with a replenished conscious…

Filled with thoughts of promise and ideals of never stopping.

Set goals…Conquer

Then move on to the next conquest.

Limits should never be mentioned when seeking progress.

Deterrents can cause rifts, but important to remain confident.

Always have a vision… What you see is what you can get.

Never claim to lack the depth to aspire for great accomplishments…

Potentials can produce wonders when we learn to harness them.

Never hesitate to move by the beat of your own drum.

Seize more than the moment…

Embrace greatness and strive to shatter the laws of complacency.

A wise man once told me… “Nothing Comes to a Sleeper But a Dream.”

 

Here is a link to the audio/visual  that I put together for this piece: https://youtu.be/fv_9rJVvjlw

Let me know what you think and feel free to share! Comments and feedback are always appreciated!

 

Lover’s Quarrel: Written and Audio

Sometimes in life we fall in love and struggle with it. The person we desire most can be the one to cause us the most pain, frustration and anxiety. Crazy, right? The silliest arguments can turn into the most turbulent verbal war of words. You can go from hate, to love, to hate and back again, all in the blink of an eye. up But that’s love, isn’t it?…

Below is an excerpt from my poem, ‘Lover’s Quarrel.’ Following the written piece is a link to the audio version of the poem that I’ve put together. I hope you enjoy! Feel free to leave comments, share and even share your experiences in the comments section:

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As I stare at the inkless page of lost memories I think of you. The one that got away. Far far away… but still at arm’s length of my touch.

Don’t rush. Your heart is fragile and understandable is the difficulty to trust.

Our cycle has repeated for many moons.

In love for a spell until animosity resumes…

And we fail and we suffer. Struggle because of hate yet we love one another.

If only it could all be so simple.

As you blame your outburst on your latest menstrual.

And I blame my reaction on my heinous temper.

My expectations I’ve learned to temper. We just can’t get it.

 It hurts because in the beginning everything involving my future included you in it.

Cloud 9 was our image. The love was true.

Found freedom to be myself when I was with you. When we were one.

Now we’ve become none…distant. Still shifting…

I wonder if we’ll ever be more than a vision.

This has got to be a sickness.       

And loving the wrong girl is a painful symptom.

Yet I constantly hear the cries of you playing the victim. Because I’m the bad guy.

The one who damaged your heart… stepped on and ripped it apart…

 

Here is a link to my audio excerpt of the full poem: https://youtu.be/z1qGNajeqSE

 

Step out of your comfort zone: My first audio recording

For me, creating this blog was about stepping out of my box, and being open with my creative writing. It was about no longer being afraid of how others may criticize my work. It was about being okay with being vulnerable to the world. Just yesterday I decided to step all the way out of my comfort zone and record myself reading one of the poems from my eBook. Then I took it one step further and added some background sounds and images to my audio, and posted it online. Talk about being vulnerable! I’m still surprised I actually recorded myself, and even more surprised that I posted it online for the world to see. But life is all about taking risks, right?

Here is a link to my audio/video clip: https://youtu.be/B8SGLyWFL3g

Let me know what you think and feel free to share it if you like it! Comments and feedback are always appreciated! Have you stepped out of your comfort zone lately? If so, please share your experience in the comments section below!pexels-photo-91224

Satisfied or Still Striving??

Ever feel like you’re not quite where you want to be in life? Like you have all the talent in the world, yet the world has no idea what you have to offer? I’ve been there. To be honest, I’m still there. I don’t feel like I’ve reached the heights of my full potential. And honestly, that’s MY fault. I’ve done my fair share of procrastinating in my 31 years of living. And though I used to get away with it by pulling out B’s on last minute school work assignments, the real world doesn’t take kindly to procrastinators–unless you’re content with mediocrity. And mediocre is something I never want to be in life.

These thoughts inspired the following excerpt titled, ‘Twilight Conflictions,’ from my eBook of poetry. Enjoy!

It’s the midnight hour, yet I’m still searchin’ for the light.

Seeking a righteous path; peering across dark alleys. No time to be contrite.

Back pedaling… procrastination weighs a heavy price.

Hold on tight!

I’m at a crossroad of sorts. Another day squandered… so at midnight I seek remorse.

In solitude I dare to pick apart my flaws.

Channeling the depths of my deepest thoughts.

Wasted talent, loss of ambition. Shameful cliffs…I’m drifting.

In fact I’ve fallen numerous times.

Never afraid to rebound and continue to climb.

Twilight conflictions summon moments of reflection. Truth sipped in gulps.

Tough to swallow but sweet for the soul.

Honest critiques with no ill intent, just warning to self.

Thinking at the midnight hour. Wonder if all you can be is where you are at this instance.

Since when did when become now?

Time passes, moments become memories while the future lies in our presence.

Satisfied or still striving?

I hope you enjoyed this excerpt. To read more, click on the ‘Purchase the Book’ link at the top of this page to purchase your copy of my poetry eBook for 99 cents. Please feel free to leave your comments, share this post and tell a friend.

Take Care!blog pic

Creativity Has No Barriers

Instead of celebrating the fact that I had written a short book of poetry and actually published it, I criticized myself for having the audacity to write something like this and expect others to enjoy reading it.

I wrote A Sane Man’s Intervention: Part One over four years ago. It is a collection of poetry that had tormented my heart for so long that I was forced to write it down and release it to the world. This is a collection of my real life accounts of addiction, self assessment, strained relationships, triumph and self doubt intertwined with fictitious accounts of my reality. But what parts are real, and what parts are fictitious? That’s for you, the reader to decide.

Today I will face my greatest fear. A fear of rejection. Creativity has no barriers, and I will no longer hold mine captive.

Click on the ‘Purchase the Book’ link at the top of this page to purchase your copy of my poetry book for 99 cents. Enjoy the read, come back here and share your thoughts, and feel free to tell a friend.

I will use this page to share insight into why I wrote each poem, and the meaning behind it. I hope to see you back here!

-Ibn Akbar (A Sane Man??)

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